The Nerve

Just as I feared, I have fallen victim to the Michael Jackson frenzy. This from someone who never even owned an album (though I admittedly have "Beat It" on the iPod - great running song!) Neither Michael Jackson nor his music was ever at the forefront of my life, instead, he was always in the background. "Rockin' Robin" always reminds me of elementary school, "Rock With You" is so Junior High, "Billy Jean" is Crossroads circa 1983 and "Man in the Mirror" triggers memories of Emerson College, 1988. I was always aware of the cute brown-eyed boy who morphed into the afro adolescent and then strangely slipped into a deranged white clown.Along with the rest of the world, I bopped to his music, marveled at his Neverland Ranch and cringed at his repeated pedophilia accusations.

WIth his death came the end of his story and now looking back I see his life with a whole new poignancy. As I wrote in the previous blog entry, I was at Esalen when he died and barely anyone spoke of it. Since getting back to L.A. I have been obsessed. I have spent too many hours on YouTube watching old Jackson 5 variety shows, old videos and interviews trying to see where it all went so terribly wrong. How did the beautiful, alert, insanely entertaining performer turn into the Diprivan addict? I've pored over his song lyrics and titles, looking for clues. ("Off the Wall", "Bad", "Thriller," "Dangerous", "Invincible" - if he did dabble in the pedophilia, could these titles be clues?) I watched Oprah's 1991(?) interview with MJ where he claimed his white skin was due to the condition Vitiligo, and tried to propose an argument based on why the media doesn't bother white people who try to get tan. He's already wrecked by 1991 with that eerie Anna Nicole Smith speech pattern and vacant, unblinking eyes. I watched a few moonwalking videos and tried to do the same across my living room floor, the beach, the sidewalk. I am haunted by the whole Jackson showbiz family - isn't family supposed to be your rock if you go into the business? But the Jacksons were ALL in it - so who did he have? Elizabeth Taylor? How could she, of the pill-popping, 8 marriages ilk, provide emotional security for him?

As my friend Lizzie said, "I feel so sad for Michael Jackson. Not the freaky person he turned out to be, but the little boy that he was,"and I so agree. His death has obviously struck a nerve. It is the stuff of myths and legends - the rise and fall, man vs. self, man vs. nature. His story has played out during the course of our lives and now that it is over I think we all feel a little lost, a little sad.

No, I did not try for memorial tickets for tomorrow. I will be driving to San Diego with my friend Maggie, to visit our other friend Eileen, who is there on vacation. We will probably eat lunch, talk about life, about writing, and when we drive back to L.A. tomorrow night, perhaps this obsessive Michael Jackson phase, mine and everyone else's, will finally be laid to rest.